Five Obscure Reasons Why I Love my Wife

If you've been paid enough to keep reading this far, you would know that I've mentioned before why I love my wife so very much, because she's my BFF, my tasty morsel, my cheruby ruby mama, my milkshake, etc. But to keep things lively, here are 5 reasons not often mentioned, why I love my wife. (If I have mentioned it, you'll need to forget.)

5. Reactive Senses. Yesterday during one of the scenes of the Bank Job, there was a slight peak in action and sound and my wife proceeded to pummel my hand into the handrest, and then beat me into a senseless mass of midnight meat. Wait, that's something else. Anyway, she reacts big. Several scenes had her covering her ears and ears with her arms, which I previously thought was bloody impossible. I guess it looks like an arm turban or something hopelessly devoted to her head. Anyway, I love the way she reacts to things - unabashed, honestly, and without regard to how she might look. I think it speaks of her honesty to an extent, that she is in touch with that. So many people act like someone's always watching, and there's my wife. Everyone knows how she feels because she's almost fearless in showing it. Also, I like to laugh at her.

4. Baby Me! I'm seriously the worse Babier (Gods of vocabulary spare me) of all. I would love you more than chocolate raspberry mousse, but if you ever felt sick, I'd just lean over and ask, "Are you okay? If you are, I'm just going to be over here," and then sit in my corner and blog on my phone about it. I'm pretty open with my emotions, but I am tragically incapable of being nurturing. My wife however, does take care of me when I feel crappy. She leaves aside all judgment and criticism, and just makes me feel all better about being stinky and sick and drooly. When I had my wisdom teeth and my wallet ripped off, she guided me home, stuck her fingers in my rancid mouth and stubborn groans to pull out gross cotton within the recesses of my piehole, and replaced it without throwing up on me. She always gives me a hug to let me know that although the shit had hit the fan, she had stopped the fan from oscillating to my direction. She takes good care of her man, and I love her for that.

3. Bent Humor. I like her humor a lot. It has a wide range, from the low brow to the complex and layered variety, but the winning one is of course her ability to laugh at me at my worst. And it's perfect because it's not so much a mocking, "you suck ass" laugh, but more of a sympathetic, "laughing at me because I'm too self serious to laugh at myself" tone. She also likes the corniest stuff that comes out of me, which is good because when I'm funny, I'm tops. But when I suck, those punny poo poo jokes still manages a upward crack on her cute visage. Look at me, I used the word "visage."

2. Unnatural Fears. I'm not talking about snakes or ghosts or Dead hand. Although the latter is pretty fun. I'm talking about her incredible and possibly lethal fear of me SEEING A TOWEL ON HER HEAD. I am serious. She has nightmares about this. That I would walk in, see a towel on her head, and all my illusions of her would be shattered. I've seen her birth my son and she's worried about a towel on her head. Another unnatural fear is stuffed animals staring at her. I've made Curious George sit and stare at her with his introspective eyes and she'll bat him off to make him stop. That one is fun.

1. Me. C'mon, I'm a real pain in the ass. I'm just a problem. I've never really had a best friend all my life, just people who kinda like me enough to hang out with me. I'm a ball on contradiction, being extrememly passionate and nonchalant at the same time. Funny and depressing, sweet and vile, friendly and antisocial, just living on that tine line between potential and failure. Jack of all Trades, Master of None. I'm the perfect Libra, but I just turn out bland and blank. But my wife loves all of that. All of it. The good and the bad, the black and the white, the best and the worst of me. And I can never ever express to her how grateful that her love for me has made me feel. I am who I am because of her love, and that's why I love my wife.