Friday, December 4, 2009

Cloudy and cold

There isn't anything terribly important to note, just spending my day off listening to intermittent Christmas songs that plays between my regular songs on the iPod. We are watching our budget so staying home seems to be a pretty good solution, although it does drive Elaine up the wall. It doesn't bother me quite as much, because from Mon to Fri all I ever do is to work, and then linger with exhaustion until bedtime so I could do it all over again. Elaine took Zoe to World Market to window shop a bit, and I'm just hanging out at home with the boy. While he's playing Legos, I'm on the iPod tapping out a blog entry.

November came and went, and now it's weeks before Christmas and it's hard to fanthom. We are maybe seventy percent complete on our shopping, and for me only one more paycheck to go. Elaine and I are both exempt from gifts, since we both got our gifts early with the TV and the couch. We are cutting down on kids presents this year, being how their toys have such a short life cycle, we decided to instead save that money for a trip to Disneyland instead. Of course, none of that money is there anymore, but I suppose sometime in March or April we will go.

It is a little tough to think of myself as a college graduate, and everyday I go to work I get reminded of that everyday. I have to swallow chunks of my pride everyday, when people with less schooling running the show. I dunno, I'm having this mid-life crisis whereby I don't know what I want in life anymore. My ambitions got smaller and now it seems that my short term goal is to make it to the weekend, and my long term goal is to look forward to the next holiday. My imagination is stifled by stress, fatigue, and constant refereeing. In a lot of ways, I am content with the life I have, with a wife who loves me and sticks by me, two good kids, and a pretty good dog whose worse moments comes when she's bored. Hey, if I could chew on walls, there's no guarantee I wouldn't do it either. But in a lot of ways, I'm sad as well. I don't know what I'm contributing to my legacy. Even my wit and smartassery isn't documented, so it's not even like I could coast off that. I don't write anymore because I'm making excuses, and indepent filmmaking slips further from me. My equipment is old and falling apart, and my willingness to work with actors was lessened with the last project. I just don't know what I'm doing most of the time.