Monday, November 10, 2014

It's been a while.

Haven't thought about blogging for a long time. I think I held off for a while because I just didn't have anything new to say. The kids are fine, I'm frustrated about my life choices, and work is stressful. It had become a cycle of routine of banality and patterns. But recently, a couple Christmas ago, I started on a path that allowed me to revisit the reaches of my imagination. There was less and less of "stop daydreaming and more and more of "this is happening now." It was a reawakening of the way I used to let my mind shoot around without the consequence of probability. And suddenly, I gained new perspectives, got more comfortable with the truth, and am starting to reach some level of understanding that was only hinted at before. We are all searching for the truth in many different ways, but for some it's focused on different things. Some of us find truth in our relationships, some our jobs, some our religions. I find truth to be very freeing and very intimate. I seek to see the truth within our people but they are unwilling to open up to me. And perhaps wisely so, since I approach it in a more obtuse way. I just now started to realize that there was something, after all, to pass on to the kids. It wasn't learning how to fish, or fix a car, or anything like that. It was my passion and I had two eager children who are willing to put in the time to learn this odd hobby of mine of making believe and making little videos. I still don't think I'd be able to pull of something good a lot of times. I just don't have the kind of conviction it requires from start to finish - at least not anymore. I lost the foolishness of my youth when there was a monthly mortgage to pay off so that my children could have shelter and food. I still don't have the organization that is needed to tell a good narrative. I just have bits and pieces, and my skill level will stall out a little pass mediocre. It's never soaring above the rest so it would be noticed and marvelled at, it will just rise close to the top. One of the photos that I really want to get at some point is one of me and Zoe holding hands, just being Daddy and Zoe. In a couple years, that may disappear. Like forever. Well, perhaps until I get older and it would seem okay to hold your father's hand again and he mopes around unwittingly. Really right now I still enjoy that Zoe wants to hold my hand. When we get out of the car, I'll even expect a tinier hand to slip into mine without fail. When my hand doesn't get gripped, I would instinctively wonder where she was. The hand has gotten bigger over the years, but it's a familiar bond that I'll cherish for many years to come. And I have to get that photo before it stops happening.