A Real Post

Okay, here's a real post.

Easter, as always, wasn't so much about religion around the house. Nope, it was two little kids running around being happy as can be, with the permission to devour as much candy as their little bodies can handle. They had three hunts, one at a YMCA, another one indoors at home, and one at Grandma's house. The YMCA hunt was okay, the disproportionate amount of people versus eggs was fairly noticeable - Alex only got like 4 eggs and Zoe got 6 or so. There was a toddler who had a basket full of eggs, and I'm sure the mom got a lot of evil eyes for that. Good god, what a terrible example to pass on.

We did the Redmond Senior Center last year, but this year decided against it because after the cost was all tallied up, it would cost us 19 bucks just for admission. Excluding Zoe, who is still young enough not to be charged. I'm sure we would have gotten better candy, more eggs, and a smattering of eggs and bland pancakes that is the included "breakfast", but I dunno. 19 bucks seems a bit steep for something like an egg hunt.

So we did one at home as well, and the kids enjoyed going around the house, finding coins, chocolate eggs, weird foam edible bunnies, and lost souls in the little plastic eggs strewn all about the house. Yesterday was yet another hunt, although Grandma used real eggs, which Mr. Alex found out when he punctured an egg with his thumb expecting chocolately goodness only to find a bruised yolk staring back at him.

Easter, like Halloween, has become a boon for the candy industry. Alex can get kinda weird about candy, obsessed really, and this morning the first thing he wanted in his mouth was more candy. He was quickly shot down by his parents.

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This is the problem that I've been having lately, and it's something that I really need to work on. I have a very short span of patience now, and I think it's hugely in part that I feel like I'd rather be doing something else with my time. Yes, yes, I'm a parent, and quality time with my children is something that I should look forward to, and it is. But this internal battle that I have regarding how I should spend my time goes back a long way. It's not just like, oh, I have kids now. Okay, I'd rather be doing something else.

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm an oxymoron. Yes, I'm a pimpled face ointment junkie who happens to be a moron. I'm an oxymoron because I'm a private person most of the time, but I'm also very open about my problems. I practically broadcast that I'm not a great parent. But in real life, unless I'm comfortable with you, I usually keep to myself. I like my own time, and there are a lot of times whereby I don't really talk to people much, because I don't really have anything to say to them.

I've found people on myspace who are from my past, met them enthusiastically, and then... nothing. It's anti-climatic because I don't really have much to say to people. I lack skills to small talk, which impairs and probably dissolves a lot of relationships that I have with people. I don't try awfully hard to keep in touch with even my closest friends, and I don't maintain the friendships I have very well. It's just my loner personality. My family left me pretty much by myself growing up, so I've grown to adapt to being self-sufficient to a fault.

Anyway, what this has to do with my kids is that I need to knock it off. I know that if I continue of this path of not giving them quality time, and time to enjoy them for who they are will evaporate. Kids grow up and out of their parents anyway, but there is no reason why I shouldn't try to keep them close. It hasn't been easy lately, since Alex is getting combative and argumentative, and Zoe is passively defiant, and I feel like I have absolutely no control over what they do, and how I react. I'm sure it's just me refocusing my goal in life. This Videography thing has really thrown a wrench in my system, and I just need to get into a groove.

Sigh. I try with the kids, and I need to try harder. I don't want them to grow up and be like me. All anti-social and possessive of my time.