The memory foam that we ordered from Amazon finally came today, and it was a little sketchy when I pulled it out of the box initially. It was so tightly folded up and bounded into a bale that it didn't look like much. Even as I was dismantling it, I had to peel off what seemed to be a half inch of foam that looked and smelt like dried animal hide. I had hoped that it was a good purchase, and wasn't so sure when I left to return to life.
But when I returned a few hours later, it had grown to it's natural state - the thin slab of stinky cheese slices was now a hefty, thick slab of form fitting heaven. I'm not quite sure how it'll play on my back, but here's to the hope that it'll fare better than my memory foam pillow. We had gotten those in the mail yesterday and although my wife claims to have had the best night of sleep in a long time, my experience was far from endearing. In fact, I kept waking up to find my head laying on what felt like a chunk of cold cut. My back was stiff and annoyed when I got out of bed this morning. But I'm going to give it a week, see if I adapt to the pillow or vice versa. If it doesn't pan out, I'll set the damn thing on fire. I guess it's a bit flammable from what I read.
I uttered something witty today, even though I'm sure even the person I was talking to probably didn't even hear me. But someone asked me if I was leaving too, and I replied that no, someone has to stick around to swab the decks of this sinking ship. Sigh. So many of my jokes never get realized because I don't have the same kind of audience as I used to have.
One of my major shortcomings is my constant feeling of regret. Nothing to do with my family or anything like that, I truly love them and secretly thank them for preventing me from becoming this train-wreck it could've been. But rather just the little things. Things that I've done that, in other people's perspective, may have been good, bad, or just fine - but I still feel bad one way or another about it. Probably one of my worst life decisions had to be that I went into wedding videography. I know there have been customers who have recommended me, who simply love what I've capture on their very special day, but I've also had customers who have either not given any feedback - which I feel is probably because they hated it but didn't say anything, or they straight out disliked my work.
I think the idea of ever being that responsible for someone's life event terrifies me now. I don't mind doing something like that as a friend casually, but if money was involved or I was the sole person capturing that event? No thanks. I even had a dream the other night about an idea for a short film, had it all ready to go - but the lead actress had a schedule conflict. I just don't want to deal with that anymore. I'm getting comfortable with the idea that I'm a better follower and contributer, and not so much a leader. I loathe the responsibility of being one. I often even wonder if I'm a good enough father - although in that analogy, it's probably good that I'm even questioning that notion.
Anyhow, that's something that I have to work on. Letting history be just that and not reliving it over and over again. I suppose writing things on a blog isn't necessarily the best path to living in the moment either. Hmm.
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