Post Xmas Fatigue

Yes, there is such a thing because I have it. After all the spending and visiting, I'm eager to get back to my boring ass life. The one filled with chilling out and being a complete dullard suits me just fine. I don't know, Christmas hath crossed the treshold from being a joyous holiday to being a chore of tolerance and wallet gutting. I enjoy spending my money on some people more than others - I guess that's a good way of putting that. Grinchy as it may be, I am happy that Christmas is one whole year ahead. Gives me more time to avoid it. Funny though, since my wife really enjoyed it this year round.

My glasses decided to self destruct last night, snapping on the top of the rim again. This is the third and final snap, having been welded back into place by a shop the last two times. Yes, the whole "spectacle" probably cost me about five hundred bucks, between the initial cost of the glasses and the two weld jobs. So I'm certainly sticking with contact lenses.

Because of some misinformation, I ended up keeping Metal Gear Solid for the PS3 and with a gift card and a sale, also ended up picking Ninja Gaiden and Fallout 3, which I gave up after renting it because it was becoming too much work. We will see if this time I develop more of a fondness for it. Anyway, all those should be keeping me busy for quite some time.

Well, I'm literally falling asleep in the midst of the kids bickering and yelling over Little Big Planet. Stopping here.

Waiting for Brown

As I wait for the UPS truck to arrive, I'm realizing that I haven't blogged in a while. And despite my total lack of interesting tidbits to share, I'm going to write anyway. Because I owe it to you.

Anyway, I am waiting for Hdmi cables, component cables and a HD indoor antenna to arrive from Monoprice.com. I've heard about them strictly from podcasts but they have been known chiefly for good prices and decent quality. Which pretty much sums me up, I'm decent quality. Nothing really impressive that will knock your pants off, but likely someone you wouldn't mind pointing to and refering to as "my acquaintance".

Work has been a little interesting lately, I've been requested and also assigned to help in other parts of the company, and it's been interesting. It's a mix between gratitude that I'm doing something different and slight boredom. Mostly because I'm taught enough to color by numbers, but not really knowing what picture I'm coloring or why I'm choosing those colors.

Bad analogies aside, I actually had to tell one side that I had a previous commitment with the other, and they could have me for half the day. The punchline to all of this, of course, is that I don't know what I'm doing. I'm way underqualified for the new position, but they're doing a grand thing and taking the time to explain everything to me. I wasn't offended that he mentioned that it would be two weeks before I could do anything productive - rather I saw that as a good thing. But we'll see how that goes.

I haven't had much time to enjoy the new tv, although it is noticeably more awesome than the last. Widescreen is my friend. Gaming on it is a ton of fun, though playing Burnout on it close to blew my brain apart. High speed and big screen equals mind blown. And hooking up my meager computer speakers to it just enhances the squishiness of mass chaos while playing Prototype.

Was slogging through the damp grass when I realized that this was Daisy's first winter. She was born in April, so she's still a puppy by definition.

Ok, I'm yawning from all this blogging. I'm out.

Cloudy and cold

There isn't anything terribly important to note, just spending my day off listening to intermittent Christmas songs that plays between my regular songs on the iPod. We are watching our budget so staying home seems to be a pretty good solution, although it does drive Elaine up the wall. It doesn't bother me quite as much, because from Mon to Fri all I ever do is to work, and then linger with exhaustion until bedtime so I could do it all over again. Elaine took Zoe to World Market to window shop a bit, and I'm just hanging out at home with the boy. While he's playing Legos, I'm on the iPod tapping out a blog entry.

November came and went, and now it's weeks before Christmas and it's hard to fanthom. We are maybe seventy percent complete on our shopping, and for me only one more paycheck to go. Elaine and I are both exempt from gifts, since we both got our gifts early with the TV and the couch. We are cutting down on kids presents this year, being how their toys have such a short life cycle, we decided to instead save that money for a trip to Disneyland instead. Of course, none of that money is there anymore, but I suppose sometime in March or April we will go.

It is a little tough to think of myself as a college graduate, and everyday I go to work I get reminded of that everyday. I have to swallow chunks of my pride everyday, when people with less schooling running the show. I dunno, I'm having this mid-life crisis whereby I don't know what I want in life anymore. My ambitions got smaller and now it seems that my short term goal is to make it to the weekend, and my long term goal is to look forward to the next holiday. My imagination is stifled by stress, fatigue, and constant refereeing. In a lot of ways, I am content with the life I have, with a wife who loves me and sticks by me, two good kids, and a pretty good dog whose worse moments comes when she's bored. Hey, if I could chew on walls, there's no guarantee I wouldn't do it either. But in a lot of ways, I'm sad as well. I don't know what I'm contributing to my legacy. Even my wit and smartassery isn't documented, so it's not even like I could coast off that. I don't write anymore because I'm making excuses, and indepent filmmaking slips further from me. My equipment is old and falling apart, and my willingness to work with actors was lessened with the last project. I just don't know what I'm doing most of the time.

McD reflections

Making it through this week is a bit of an accomplishment, since there's still a fair amount of modeling clay in my respiratory system. Sometimes I would exercise my child like fascination, looking at my expectorate and marvelling at its structural integrity, wondering to myself how something like that managed to come out of me. I've also been avoiding speaking in general, everytime I try to utter something resembling a sentence, my throat would itch and I'd end up coughing. I imagine most people do not find coughing appealing, especially since the flu scare has probably got everyone ingesting Purell just to keep themselves sterilized. So I just figured I wouldn't talk much, so that I couldn't cough. Somehow being anti-social sat better with me than being diseased.

So my National Novel Writing Month has bombed so far, kicking off with a week long flu and then just wallowing in general fatigue. I've been going to bed so early this week that I've qualified myself for dreams again. Usually my brain doesn't get to go into REM state, it just naps before it snaps to conciousness again like an angry bulldog, looking for something to do for the whole day.

After some thought today, I'm thinking of switching my novel to a play format, because I've been having a little trouble making my book effortlessly funny. Also, I think it'll work slightly better as a play anyway, since novel writing isn't my strength. We shall see, since we are talking about rewriting a whole two pages or something. Bah. What a terrible writing schedule. I used to write so easily and now it's a chore and an experiment on my ability to doubt myself.

Have a few hours of work tomorrow, going to a training class that someone enrolled me into. Not quite sure who decided that I should take a class called "Value stream mapping", even joked to my supe that maybe they needed a gnome to fetch coffee so they decided to sign me up. But glasses have to be half full for me, I have to look at it as an opportunity of sorts. I'm sure having taken this class is sure to bump me up somehow.

Been listening to the Creative Screenwriting podcast and it's just amazing. Listening to their work process and knowing that it's a lot of writing and rewriting, a lot of patience, and a while lotta luck that gets people where they are. But it's just work. Breaking down the story to see what works and what doesn't, and tearing away scenes that you love because they simply don't serve the story. Probably the best ones so far are from the writers of Watchmen and Walle. These guys have spent years and years, rewriting and writing. It's just humbling to know that they have to work as hard as anyone else to make the story work.

Well, fatigue and the antics of the McDonalds playground are distracting me, so that's it for me. I've counted five kids crying so far. It's like a brutal gladiatorial ring of sticky-fingered midgets trying to trounce each other.

Weak week

Well, last week was a complete travesty. Between high fever, bad headaches that would conjure up nightmares of brain damage and dark places of my soul, and my insides feeling ravaged and destroyed, I think I'm finally getting better. Went back to work on Wednesday thinking that, but when I woke up Thursday morning feeling like I was sledgehammered in the head, I called in and had to lose a day's pay. Such is the consequences of being stricken with the flu. I don't know if I wanna be all dramatic and call it H1N1, but I've never been so sick for so long. Usually it's a three day affair the most. It wouldn't surprise me though, if I did get H1N1, since this strain of flu had floored me so badly.

Other than the lost hours of work, I also lost about a week to write, which really sucks. I couldn't concentrate long enough to write, couldn't even look at the screen for long. And now that I know I'm behind, the incentive is even less to keep up with their schedule. But I'll get back onto it. Just have to keep my own schedule.

There's also a constant hunger I have in my stomach, this weird feeling that I'm hungry although I'm pretty sure I'm not. I can taste any food right now anyway, my palate has been reduced to very basic sensations, like salty, sweet, and poop.

And I used to be so witty.

Firsts!

Today was the first for many things, although it isn't as exciting as it sounds. It was mostly comical and sad, if anything.

The first day of my illness marked the day, after bein surrounded by sick kids and sick wife, it was plainly inevitable. I haven't quite had it bad, just an irritable throat that makes me cough here and there. Not like my wife, who's bound to cough up a major lung sometime soon. But I fear the impending misery that comes with the illness. Still not sure if I'm still going to work, but most likely I will. It's the only way I can get better it feels like.

The second first is the the first day of National Novel Writing Month. I have to report that I'm really nowhere close to the minimum amount of output, mostly because it's so damn hard to find a quiet moment to myself, and after having found it, to not indulge in the awesomeness that is Uncharted 2. That game is quite fun, although I've spoilt a bit of it from watching way too many reviews. I've got the beginning of the story started at least, and it reads like a scattered first draft. It has a small fraction of the comedy I'd like in it, and it seems like all the characters have seemingly the same voice. But I'm forging ahead, and I can fix the bulk of it later. Still can't decide if I want to adopt the traditonal third person narrative or adopt a journal like retelling of the story.

The last dubious first is Daisy's first day of dog training school, which I shall now refer to Embarassment school. While I didn't expect Daisy to be the perfect little princess, I didn't think we'd be stuck in the corner with a barrier draped with blankets. We had to bring the dog in the car a few tomes because she was barking and frantic so damn much that it was distracting the other dogs. She would spazzing while in class, whining and barking and lunging herself into the air trying to sniff all the other canine ass in class. She acted like a dog on crack cocaine and speed, and I couldn't look anyone in the eye. Yes, that's my dog trying to dominate or intimidate your dog. I dunno, I was embarassed and couldn't take too much of it. What a grueling experience.

Gonna get some uncharted on. I have some semblence of control over that.

Stagnant

Quite possibly a false perception on my part, but it is rather disconcerting to see progress in your peers while your own life spins in the mud, burrowing deeper into stagnant muck. I take very slight comfort in my age, thinking that the lower thirties aren't quite a lost cause, but nevertheless a call for concern. Looking into my bag of tricks isn't encouraging, there's really nothing beyond the usual card tricks or a string of multi-colored hankerchieves that most employers have not already seen done or done better, so I'm basically starting off at ground zero. I'm not better than a recent high school grad, except there will be this cavervous gap that I'll have to account for whereby my career stalled in the wrong lane, seemingly oblivious to the other open available lanes next to me. I can't help but be frustrated and guilt-ridden at my desire for more. It isn't more money, or a glorified position, but rather finding my place in this world doing something that I'm gifted at. My great hope is that November is a month of obligation, that even a shoddy first draft will be enough to warm my blood to yearn for more inspiration. I have to write to stay afloat from drowning in my pool of utter despair.

Writing Style

Been writing in a blogging conversational style now for so long I'm not entirely sure if I can write an actual story now, let alone a novel in one month. November isn't even here yet and I have tangible anxiety about the deadline, but I guess that's what National Novel Writing Month is all about. Self imposed pressure to put pen to paper. I had a couple ideas for outlines but really nothing concrete quite yet. I think the biggest obstacle right now is just starting. Deciding a tone, characters, and just trying to figure out which foot to start out with.

Short Fuse

Ok, it's not like I'm about to blow the gasket anytime soon, but the pressure gauge is needling in the red. There seems to be a lot of tension in me, from both the busyness of being a family man, and the inertia of being a man stuck in a job that's going round on a short track. So like the many promises that I make and break on a weekly basis, I thought blogging might spark the brain a bit, to keep it from gathering moss or rusting away.

It seems like I'm being over protective, but when I hear about some of the shennigans going on at the kids school, I can't help but want to intervene. Protecting them from life is impossible, I know, but I'm still going to voice my opinion about how they expect to be treated by their peers. Logan is chasing after Zoe and throwing pine cones at her? I'm about ready to confront them at the busstop and inform his parents that the next thing that is going to be thrown will be Logan if he doesn't knock it off. Having grown up and being picked on as a kid, that shit doesn't go over well with me. Until the kids grow up and develop their own crazy coping mechanism, I'm going to interfere because it is my business. I guess I'm old school like that.

Comtemplating getting a bigger vehicle now, since Daisy has to go everywhere with us because she can't be left home alone - see exhibit A, chewed up photo frame. The kids are getting slightly cramped back there as well, because their short little stumps are sprouting. So yeah, it's not like we are thinking of upgrading because of a dog, it's something that we've been ignoring for quite some time. When grandma goes anywhere, she's packed in there like a sardine withou seatbelts, which really ain't cool. But sad reality is that we don't have much capital, so even if we can put some money down and trade in my beloved Honda, we will probably be tied down to a loan with some horrible interest. So that idea might just have to chill for a little bit.

The short weekend

I look forward to my three day weekends because during my weekdays, the 40 hour workweek is compressed so tautly into my life that there's barely room enough for me to breathe. Friday had some overtime, so the week is shorter than usual and some bug is threatening to gain the upper hand over my body. Today is a little bit of a disaster, having to take Daisy to Bellingham because she's still too young to be home alone. She's going slightly bonkers, too many other animals to contend with. She's her own special brand of crazy right now.

Finished Season 2 of Californication and I have to give mad props, as the hipster palance goes, for being an enormously entertaining show. It features really good writing and it's got the kind of raunchy humor that makes my day, but is also quite smart. Season one is streaming on Netflix, and we just finished Season two on DVD.