It's been a while.

Haven't thought about blogging for a long time. I think I held off for a while because I just didn't have anything new to say. The kids are fine, I'm frustrated about my life choices, and work is stressful. It had become a cycle of routine of banality and patterns. But recently, a couple Christmas ago, I started on a path that allowed me to revisit the reaches of my imagination. There was less and less of "stop daydreaming and more and more of "this is happening now." It was a reawakening of the way I used to let my mind shoot around without the consequence of probability. And suddenly, I gained new perspectives, got more comfortable with the truth, and am starting to reach some level of understanding that was only hinted at before. We are all searching for the truth in many different ways, but for some it's focused on different things. Some of us find truth in our relationships, some our jobs, some our religions. I find truth to be very freeing and very intimate. I seek to see the truth within our people but they are unwilling to open up to me. And perhaps wisely so, since I approach it in a more obtuse way. I just now started to realize that there was something, after all, to pass on to the kids. It wasn't learning how to fish, or fix a car, or anything like that. It was my passion and I had two eager children who are willing to put in the time to learn this odd hobby of mine of making believe and making little videos. I still don't think I'd be able to pull of something good a lot of times. I just don't have the kind of conviction it requires from start to finish - at least not anymore. I lost the foolishness of my youth when there was a monthly mortgage to pay off so that my children could have shelter and food. I still don't have the organization that is needed to tell a good narrative. I just have bits and pieces, and my skill level will stall out a little pass mediocre. It's never soaring above the rest so it would be noticed and marvelled at, it will just rise close to the top. One of the photos that I really want to get at some point is one of me and Zoe holding hands, just being Daddy and Zoe. In a couple years, that may disappear. Like forever. Well, perhaps until I get older and it would seem okay to hold your father's hand again and he mopes around unwittingly. Really right now I still enjoy that Zoe wants to hold my hand. When we get out of the car, I'll even expect a tinier hand to slip into mine without fail. When my hand doesn't get gripped, I would instinctively wonder where she was. The hand has gotten bigger over the years, but it's a familiar bond that I'll cherish for many years to come. And I have to get that photo before it stops happening.

Unmotivated

Here I am with a little free time on my hands and I should be working on my story, but as always, I'm a little stuck on words and the feeling that my story outline isn't quite complete is bugging me.  The tone isn't quite right so I keep doubting myself, and my mind isn't quite on track to focus on a story right now.  I don't know right now what it would take for me to get going on the story, but I'm not about to solve it right now.  Right now I'll just jot something on the blog and call it a day.

Taking an extra day to burn off some PTO, which has been kinda nice because I've been a little burned out from work.  Not that it's hard or stressful, just very routine and uninspired.  I can't complain because it does pay the bills and the roof of which we're under.  Different things inspire me than what my work offers, which aside from the customary monetary compensation, also offers the good karma of being a lifesaver.  Which is barely passable because I'm not entirely sure what I do have a direct effect of somebody's life being saved.  Nonetheless, the thing that inspires me the most is perhaps the power to inspire others, to invoke emotion through the medium of writing, or photography, or video.  That truly is my muse.  The entertainment industry would get me working for next to nothing because it fills that void in my soul that none of the other jobs I've done can.  But until the house is paid off, this is what I'm doing, I guess.

One of the things I've been struggling with of late is my incessant multitasking, and I don't mean that in a productive, awesome way.  I mean that in a distracted, destructive manner whereby I have to fill every waking second with some data intake of any sort, whether it be news or reddit on my phone, or audiobooks in the car, or podcasts at work.  My brain does not get a calm moment to cultivate a thought in my head because I'm constantly bombarding it with information.  On Saturday I had to just step outside into my backyard with my ukelele, strum a few chords and just lay on the trampoline and stare at the clouds.  Yes, you could argue that's still doing too many things at once, but it was exactly the thing that I needed.  Something that did not benefit anything.  Just to be present in my own world. I need to do that more in order to be productive.  To force my brain to vacate once in a while.  Because even when I sleep, my brain often goes into overtime, formulating dreams that always result in me waking up and being mentally exhausted.

On Saturday we also went to see Star Trek Into Darkness, because after our accidental viewing of Iron Man 3, I found that I actually do enjoy going to the movies.  Except we just saw the 2D version of Star Trek because I didn't want to spend 60 bucks seeing a goddamn movie in 3D.  I'm all for technological progress but ever since the 3D craze reemerged a few years ago, I honestly can't say that it has enhanced my viewing experience.  I still remember going with my wife to see Superman Returns in IMAX and what a big deal that was.  And only sections of that movie was in 3D.  

I think I'll go read now.  That sounds relaxing.

The Tree of Death

Was trying to conjure up an interesting title about the tree incident and the Terence Malick movie came to mine. That silly movie about evolution and a bratty kid in the 1950s. Okay, the movie wasn't really that bad, but it was a wee bit frustrating. Anyhow, I had previously written an entry about this incident but I had accidently deleted the whole thing with one swift keystroke. Then I was so annoyed that I just put it off till today. So a few days ago, I was standing there with Elaine, looking out our porch window at the trees at the preserved area next to our house. This preserved area has a swampy feel to it, with a wild growth of different scrubs, tree, and growth all over it. There's really nothing appealing about the area, but our concern was with a couple of bare trees that were tall and menacing. We were debating about its reach - whether or not if it fell, it would make any contact with the house. Later that night, I was in the office messing about with the computer when there was a snapping sound, following but a massive crash that sounded dense and dangerous. I ran downstairs and Elaine asked if I was alright, but I said it was an outside thing. We stepped outside and she was startled by the big log on our back porch. I looked at the fence but couldn't see any damage, and there didn't seem to be any damage to the house, so I couldn't quite figure it out. Turns out the tree had actually fallen against the neighbor's house, chipped off a portion of the roof, and then the top bit of the truck flew off, slammed against the side of our house and dented the down spout, and bruised the paint job a little. After helping the neighbor clear the debris from her driveway, I was out of breath, drenched, and a little in shock. It was a little strange all that stuff happened in such a short time, and we had to react so suddenly. This weekend I've got some hatchet shopping to do because a simple saw would just take too long to work through the truck. But yeah, it the span of three months, we've had two minor house issues, with the roof leaking and the murderous flying tree of death. Hopefully this next year we shall see nothing else.

Procrastinating

Even though I don't technically get back to work until tomorrow, there's really some work that I should be doing right now in order to prep for work. But somehow, I'm still not doing it. Just clinging onto the last few hours of my winter break. It's some exploratory experiment I have to do for Sharepoint but I'm not versed enough to do exactly what I need to. I'll get around to it eventually. But yes, tomorrow it's back to work for me. Right now Alex has his friend Matthew over, and after a Nerf gun battle, they're settling down to play some Little Big Planet. They're just as raucous as ever, they are children that can be heard from a ways away. It's nice for Alex to find a friend especially since he's not quite on the same wavelength as the other children. I feel like that's okay, I've always been the same in that the rest of the kids are always so anxious to be grown up and hold different statuses while I've been the one who really wants to go at my own pace. Alex tends to stick closely to his pace and so far hasn't really noticed that nobody else is running alongside him. Being in this house really does make me happy - it's not about home ownership or some kind of status symbol, but just having this space and knowing that unless I don't pay my mortgage or something extraordinary happens, this is my space, and me and my family members give this home a soul. I honestly haven't taken too many photos of the kids in the house or the house itself, but I believe it's just a matter of me dropping the portable devices and spending some time doing that. Maybe right after this I'll go snap a few pics just to fill my 2012 quota of photos. After watching compliations of failed stunts and tricks on youtube with Elaine, there really is a fine line between bravery and stupidity, and the line is drawn very much in sand. I've done hours behind the video camera and perhaps I never churn out anything worthy of youtube or AFV is basically I'm usually pretty mellow. I don't jump off high places or sail off ramps to impress anyone. Some might call that boring, but I prefer to think of it as self-preservation. I prefer the absence of pain over the basking of glory.

2012.

Unbelievable. Had half a page of crap written down about how I was going to start the new year by blogging more and trying to get some writing mojo going and I decide to sabotage myself by a sequence of keystrokes which deleted everything that I had written. Pure genius. Save. So as I was saying, there's one more day before I have to get back on the grind. It's a different kind of grind, not like the tedious, repetitive grind that I had been doing before, but rather a challenging one whereby I'm supposed to level up my experience and knowledge every day I'm there, proving to everyone that I'm supposed to be the guy they need. Yes, my job is like a RPG. It's work, and I'm not completely certain where I'll end up, but I keep plugging at it, striving for greatness. Save. So instead of retreading and telling about how Christmas went and how I spent the day taking down Christmas lights and reorganizing the garage, I'll just reflect about the year ahead. Other than possibly going to Disneyworld, I've really got nothing planned. Damnnit, they're watching AFV. I've got to go.

Playing Hooky

Well, technically since I did put it a PTO request and I'm where I'm supposed to be, it's not really hooky. It's just and extra day off tacked onto the weekend so I can reclaim some of my own time. There has been momentous changes in my life, and it's been a little over a month since we've moved into our new home. We have more or less settled into a routine, and the house that we were trying to slowly fill with our dream furniture and furnishings is almost completely filled out because of our impulsiveness, impatience, and a little wiggle room in our checking account. In a couple weeks, we will fill this house with family for Thanksgiving, and I will be rocking the deep fried turkey for perhaps, the most awesome damn bird I've ever had the pleasure to cook. We also have friends visiting this weekend, so that will be fun for us. We also have been exploring our home improvement roots, taking on repainting Mom's house with a light orange coat of paint. We are not in the least careful, having spilled paint in various spots on the carpet that we have every intention of replacing, even before we had the notion that we could pretend to paint. That's going relatively well although it is going rather slowly. Either using too much caution or not being brave enough. November is shaping up to be a pretty exciting month - we should be getting our IXXI's next week hopefully, which is coming from the Netherlands, which I imagine have nordic looking printing out our photo cards and wondering why I consider my photography passable for any wall on any house. Also next month, I will be the owner of a Kindle Fire, which is like the poor man's iPad. Still though, it will be nice to have this tablet that I don't have to strain while reading, or suffer 3rd degree burns from like my laptop. And of course, Thanksgiving and the day after orgy, which is when I hope to acquire another television for our bedroom. Hopefully in the near future as well, I can get to revising and somehow producing one of my old screenplays. I glanced at it recently and it was a little rough. Somehow a 11 year old script will seem dated and awkward at whatever stage of life you read it at. Anyway, enjoying the new house, living the life. Stressed about work more than I've ever been but I guess it's got to give somewhere, right?

Getting Rid of the Landline Affordably.

This is a work in progress, and certainly not the best possible way, but I think it should suffice.

So we're finally deciding to ditch the landline, and switching over to mobile phones.  But because of budgetary contraints and since we generally don't use the cells enough to warrant a plan, I had to come up with a good method to keep everyone connected for as cheap as possible.  This is what you'll need if you're interested.

1) A broadband connection with Wi-Fi

2) A Skype account

3) An Android phone

4) A google Voice account

Costwise, it'll be about $140 for the phone, $30+ for the Skype subscription (annual), and whatever you pay for your broadband.  Naturally, if you don't already have broadband, or a computer, it's not very cost effective at all.  But for my particular case (broadband and computer a necessity), the mobile solution got a lot easier.

So, to start things off, what I did was to purchase a prepaid phone with Android.  You can actually get a refurbrished phone from T-mobile for 99 bucks, but I ended getting my wife and mom new T-mobile Comets for about 120 bucks.  Because the phones work on Wi-Fi, I turned off the 3G and all my data goes to my phone via my home Wi-fi.  I downloaded the Google voice and the Skype app.

I already had a Skype account with Unlimited Nationwide calling for about 30 bucks a year, it's basically a subscription that allows you to call anyone using Skype (computer or in this case, Android phone) to anyone in the US, landline or mobile.  It's not a bad deal with the computer, an even better one with the Android.

Then, I got a google voice account with a local number.  What Google voice does is a little hard to explain, but basically it's like smart voicemail.  Say my number is 555-5555.  If someone calls that number, GV will forward the call to any number of mobile phones, like me and my wife.  If either of us answers it, it stops ringing.  If nobody answers it, it goes to voicemail in GV and it can email you the message or you can access it on the computer.  It also has a transciption thingy but it's rather buggy.  So what that means is that to check your voicemail, you don't have to use your cell minutes, just use your broadband to check the messages.

So with all this setup, when I make a call at home or anywhere with Wi-Fi, I call the number, choose skype out, and I'm talking via Wi-Fi.  No minutes used.  When someone leaves a voicemail, I reject the call, it goes to google voice.

There are limitations because I can only use Skype to make calls via Wi-Fi.  When I receive calls, it will cost me minutes so basically I have to be the one who calls.  Also, Skype's a little buggy on the Android.  It stays signed in, and then for some reason it gets stagnant and doesn't want to place calls a few times.  You basically have to kill Skype before you make a call, which is a free app at the Android store.

This hasn't been fully implemented, but I'll be sure to update if it does/doesn't work out.

 

Facebook Statuses about Pearl Harbor

Yesterday before heading out to McDonald's with the kids, I saw a Facebook status that was akin to it being "Karma" that Japanese people are dying because generations ago, the Japanese military bombed Pearl Harbor.  And the status also noted that we shouldn't be collecting donations for the Japanese people because they didn't do anything for us.  I had a very instant "WTF" response, and it pretty much tainted my whole evening because it was so amazingly ignorant and xenophobic in nature.

It's gotten a lot of blowback from the internet community since, showing up even on reddit, and I just have to get up on my soapbox for a minute here.  I really shouldn't have to state why that avenue of thinking is dangerous and self-centered, not to mention incredibly stupid to boot.  But I just have to say this:

You can be a patriotic American without being hateful towards another country or its people.  

It's simple common sense but everytime I read about the religious protesting the right for a mosque to be built, or Indians being targeted because they looked like Muslims, or even that vapid comedian with his goddamn terrorist puppet - it drives me insane.  They perpetuate the stereotype of the narrow-minded gun-toting American that the world is wary of.  Shoot first, ask questions later.  

In recent months, I've read about troops in the Middle East disobeying orders to shoot citizens protesting their governments, and these troops no doubt love their country and have swore to protect their homeland.  But they have to know the difference between right, wrong, and being patriotic - and where that patriotism rests on the scale of ethics.  

So if you read about one of these Facebook statuses, I think the best thing to do is to comment on their post, and tell them that you've donated some money in their name for the people of Japan.  I think that's the most patriotic gesture you can show.

My ass is encased in a form-fitting cushion of awesome.

The memory foam that we ordered from Amazon finally came today, and it was a little sketchy when I pulled it out of the box initially.  It was so tightly folded up and bounded into a bale that it didn't look like much.  Even as I was dismantling it, I had to peel off what seemed to be a half inch of foam that looked and smelt like dried animal hide.  I had hoped that it was a good purchase, and wasn't so sure when I left to return to life.

But when I returned a few hours later, it had grown to it's natural state - the thin slab of stinky cheese slices was now a hefty, thick slab of form fitting heaven.  I'm not quite sure how it'll play on my back, but here's to the hope that it'll fare better than my memory foam pillow.  We had gotten those in the mail yesterday and although my wife claims to have had the best night of sleep in a long time, my experience was far from endearing.  In fact, I kept waking up to find my head laying on what felt like a chunk of cold cut.  My back was stiff and annoyed when I got out of bed this morning.  But I'm going to give it a week, see if I adapt to the pillow or vice versa.  If it doesn't pan out, I'll set the damn thing on fire.  I guess it's a bit flammable from what I read.

I uttered something witty today, even though I'm sure even the person I was talking to probably didn't even hear me.  But someone asked me if I was leaving too, and I replied that no, someone has to stick around to swab the decks of this sinking ship.  Sigh.  So many of my jokes never get realized because I don't have the same kind of audience as I used to have.

One of my major shortcomings is my constant feeling of regret.  Nothing to do with my family or anything like that, I truly love them and secretly thank them for preventing me from becoming this train-wreck it could've been.  But rather just the little things.  Things that I've done that, in other people's perspective, may have been good, bad, or just fine - but I still feel bad one way or another about it.  Probably one of my worst life decisions had to be that I went into wedding videography.  I know there have been customers who have recommended me, who simply love what I've capture on their very special day, but I've also had customers who have either not given any feedback - which I feel is probably because they hated it but didn't say anything, or they straight out disliked my work. 

I think the idea of ever being that responsible for someone's life event terrifies me now.  I don't mind doing something like that as a friend casually, but if money was involved or I was the sole person capturing that event?  No thanks.  I even had a dream the other night about an idea for a short film, had it all ready to go - but the lead actress had a schedule conflict.  I just don't want to deal with that anymore.  I'm getting comfortable with the idea that I'm a better follower and contributer, and not so much a leader.  I loathe the responsibility of being one.  I often even wonder if I'm a good enough father - although in that analogy, it's probably good that I'm even questioning that notion.

Anyhow, that's something that I have to work on.  Letting history be just that and not reliving it over and over again.  I suppose writing things on a blog isn't necessarily the best path to living in the moment either.  Hmm.